Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
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My time has come.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!