I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
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My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*