Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.

Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?

ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.

Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

doing your own taxes

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping

Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.

“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”

*takes off sunglasses*

Me: Okay, weigh me now.

Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.