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I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor