2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
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all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*