I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
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Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.