The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
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Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…