Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
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Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Bootstraps
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.