Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
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My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Why I divorced her.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Fiction has to make sense.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
same vibe as tangled headphones