GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
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Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam