Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
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Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”