trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
You Might Also Like
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).