I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
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I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Shoo shoo! 😂
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Put a ring on it
Just ordered me some pizza!
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.