I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Me too
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.