Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
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Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”