[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
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A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard