Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
You Might Also Like
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.