Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
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Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.