It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
You Might Also Like
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me