take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
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Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police