This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
You Might Also Like
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
time for some seasonal decor
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.