Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.