Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
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(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean