You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
You Might Also Like
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
podcasts
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.