Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
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The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Saturday
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Check out the legs on this baby
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three