Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
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You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*