If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.