Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
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On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
That’s no pocket rocket.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy