This is sending me to another galaxy
You Might Also Like
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
181.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.