I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
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72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Cool shirt 🙂
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.