Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
what are they serving at kfc then???
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words