*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
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imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Perfect.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”