I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?