Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
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I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
She puts the hot in psychotic
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.