[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
You Might Also Like
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime