Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
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Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.