My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
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Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.