ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
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Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*