1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
gm
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.