One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
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I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Are you a cat person or a person person?
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.