I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
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*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I can fix him.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!