Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
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“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
nyc:
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Wednesday
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
my favorite genre of twitter
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.