[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
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In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”