One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
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This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
the council will decide your fate
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.