My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
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Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
How funny!
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
live long and prosper!
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style