how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
You Might Also Like
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*