My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
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[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*