The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
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Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
as is their right
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.