I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.