my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
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What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.